Wherever you do or don't go, you can't hold us responsible. You should have followed the rules for taking a Tory holiday, which are as follows:* Go to Mustique. Last-minute, £15,000 bargains are available* Get someone else to pay for it* If anyone asks, lie about who paid for it* Ignore all further questions, obfuscate, and in extremis get someone who used to work for the Queen to say this was in no way corruptImage: Zuma Press/PA Images) Zuma Press/PA Images)* If for reasons of public shame (whatever that is) you are unable to holiday abroad, hire an entire Scottish field, and the house next door * If a farmer's fence exists between the two, trample it in the name of the personal liberty of every freeborn Brit, and also sheep if there's any who haven't fled at the first hint of a visit from the Bullingdon Club * If the farmer complains, just release some pictures of you carrying your own child in a sling, just like a normal person, if that person had never done it before and couldn't read instructions * Next time you go to Scotland, make sure you stay with the Queen who has lots of fields and plenty of sheep, too * If you are Prime Minister and wish to go to India, order the borders to stay open when they should be closed * Blame other people for going to India * Tell people they have to stay at home for another month because of the new variant they brought back from India which you definitely didn't want to go to for a post-Brexit trade deal and photo opp, are you mad who'd do such a thing you must have misheard me * And remember, if you are a partially-sighted person who wishes to undertake a driving holiday, you will need to take your children to County Durham first, then sit the Barnard Castle vision test, but only after you've completed the 400-mile M1 slalom event Image: UK PARLIAMENTARY RECORDING UNIT HANDOUT/EPA-EFE/REX/Shutterstock) UK PARLIAMENTARY RECORDING UNIT HANDOUT/EPA-EFE/REX/Shutterstock)* Do the rounds of TV news channels making it plain you're in charge of holiday rules and know completely what you're doing, then go to Spain * Fly back three days later when your department bans all non-essential travel to Spain, and pretend you still know what you're doing * If asked to isolate, take a test. If asked to take a test, make sure it's part of a pilot scheme with free tests * Ignore the fact that a government-controlled, free quarantine facility at ports to catch new Covid cases would pay for itself in a week, and tell people to cough up £1,750 to be locked in a hotel * Act surprised if they escape, refuse, or break the rules* Tell people they must go abroad to support the economy, even if they're not double-jabbed * Tell foreigners they must be double-jabbed to come here, even though some of their jabs are about as effective as Boris Johnson's zipper * Visit the Olympics on a huge jolly in your role as Sports Minister, with civil servants and diplomats waiting on your every whim, while relatives of athletes are told to stay awayImage: Daily Mirror/Andy Stenning) Daily Mirror/Andy Stenning)* Do go to France, which is lovely this time of year, but avoid the anti-vax riots which in no way indicate it's about as safe from Covid as a nurse wearing a week-old binbag * Don't stay in a tent outside Calais if you want to be friends with Priti Patel * If you're too poor to do any of the above, please staycation at double the normal rates, which Tories could have sworn were only £5,000-a-night last year for a gold-plated house next to its own beach * Don't go to Iran to see your family while we owe them £400million, because it'll only lead to your long incarceration and that'll be your fault, not ours * And you can't come back from Syria under any circumstances, unless the courts rule we told you illegally in which case WELCOME HOME Image: James Longman/ABC News) James Longman/ABC News)

Source: Daily Mirror August 02, 2021 11:48 UTC